Principles of Parenting

MY STORY

Parenting is a topic that I am very passionate about.  Two winter's ago I was working at a daycare which gave me plenty of opportunity to work with children and to observe how their parents interacted with their children. There were two brothers in particular (I’ll call them Zack, age 6 and Manny, age 5) who were very hard to handle. They didn’t listen to instructions very well, they seemed to intentionally disrupt the planned activities, they got in fights with other kids and none of my fellow daycare workers had any patience with them. Well I decided that I would make an effort to give these two boys extra patience and attention. One day Zack was calling some of the other kids names such as poopy-head or pee-pee face. I asked him to come over and talk to me.

“Zack” I asked, “Why are you calling people those names?” He fidgeted and looked like he was just itching to get away but replied, “It’s funny!” I asked, “But Zack, how would it make you feel if someone called you a poopy-face? Wouldn’t that make you feel bad inside?”  He stopped moving around and looked at me and then looked to the floor. Then after a pause he said, “Sometimes my mom calls me a dumb ass and that makes me feel bad inside.” I am pretty sure my jaw dropped. My heart broke and ached for this poor boy, only 6 years old, who needed more than anything to be loved but instead was treated with great disrespect and rudeness by his mother. I lifted his chin up with my hand until he looked me in the eyes and I told him he was a wonderful boy, that he was not dumb and to never believe anyone who told him that. I gave him a big hug. And that was all I could do.

I’ve thought often of that experience and wondered how those two little boys are doing and what type of people they will grow up to be. When I first heard what Zack’s mother said I was shocked and then angry. How could she say such a thing? But then I realized that she was a single mother with two rowdy boys trying to make a living for herself and her children. I am sure her patience was often very worn and that she might not know any better way to teach her boys. How do most parents learn parenting? They learn from their own parents. She was only doing the best she could according to what she herself had learned from her parents. If she could only learn a few principles of parenting, I am sure that she wouldn’t have struggle so much with having her boys behave.  

6 PRINCIPLES OF PARENTING

1. Put the relationship first. Your child should be treated with respect and kindness. When dealing with your children you should ask the simple question: “If that was done to me or if that comment was said to me, how would that have made me feel?” For some reason children are treated less human than the rest of us. They are yelled at, told frequently to be quiet and their requests are constantly turned down. Think about it. If your friends came over for dinner one night and they thoughtlessly forgot a coat or purse would you yell at them, tell them they are always leaving their stuff lying around and that they need to learn to take better care of their belongings? You would never treat a guest like that. So why don’t we treat our children with the same kind of respect? Why is it that parents yell, criticize and rudely speak with their children in a way they would never speak to a guest? No matter how badly your child is driving you crazy, treat them with respect. You will find that just like anyone else, they are much happier and much more likely to obey a request when asked with kindness. “Don’t let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” –Thomas S. Monson

2. A person is a person no matter how small. Children’s feelings and emotions are just as legitimate as yours or mine. Many times children do not know how to express their emotions in appropriate ways and will throw tantrums. Instead of scolded them for throwing a tantrum or being disagreeable, seek to understand what they are feeling, why they feel that way, and how you can better meet their needs. For example, if you abruptly tell your child it’s time to leave the park and they refuse to go, think to yourself about how it would feel if you were doing something you enjoy and someone told you, “We’re going right now! I don’t care what you’re doing, get in the car, let’s go!” You wouldn’t like that very much. Give your child a 5-minute warning and a 2-minute warning that it is about time to leave and help them to understand why you need to leave. Here’s another example. If your child lost their balloon and they start to cry, don’t angrily say, “stop crying it’s just a balloon!” To your child that balloon could mean the world to them. Imagine if something valuable to you like your wallet or keys just started floating up into the sky and then someone told you to stop fussing because “it’s just a wallet.” Putting yourself in your child’s shoes helps you to see that they are still people with real emotions, fears and joys like you or I. They might not know how to communicate them or express them as adults can, but they are still very real and valid. They should be taken into consideration because a person is a person no matter how small.

3. Your child has needs that must be met. 

1. Your child needs to know that you will love and accept them no matter what happens. Zack and Manny were acting out because their needs of being loved, accepted and feeling like they belonged were not met. So they found other ways to get that attention but in negative ways. Zack and Manny found that since they were not given love willingly and freely that misbehavior, annoying others and acting out were ways to get at least some kind of attention from their mother and the daycare workers. I noticed that on days when I gave them lots of attention by reading them books, coloring with them and talking things through with them when they broke a rule etc, that they calmed down a lot. They just craved for the basic human need of love to be met. If your child acts out a lot you might want to reflect and ask if as a parent you are giving your child the love, attention and sense of belonging that they yearn for so desperately. 

2.Children also have a need for power. As a parent you shouldn’t control every decision and action of your child. If you do this, they will try to fulfill this unmet need of power by rebellion to show you that they can’t be totally controlled or they will try to control others. Instead, encourage and allow your child to take responsibility. And when I say responsibility, this doesn't mean the responsibility to "Do what I say when I ask!" Responsibility is learning to make your own choices and learn consequences. This cannot be accomplished by over controlling your child or demanding compliance to everything you ask. Allow your child some freedom. Allow them to learn to make decisions on their own. Allow them to learn for themselves why or they should or shouldn’t do something. 

3. Children need to be challenged. Children need to learn skill building. They don’t want you to do everything for them—they want to challenge their abilities and capacities. Children particularly in the toddler and teenager years are discovering their autonomy. This is a good thing because as a parent you want your child to grow to be an independent, responsible adult.  If children are not allowed to explore their interests because you think it is unsafe or foolish, then your child will find other ways to meet this need. They will turn to undue risk taking and thrill seeking such as drugs, sexual activities and so on. Children have many more needs and as parents you need to try your best to meet those needs. If you do not meet their needs, then your child is going to find some other way to try to have their needs meet. But they will find that these alternative ways to meeting their needs won't really make them happy because "you can't have enough of what you don't need because what you don't need can never satisfy"--Marvin J. Ashton

4. Reconsider your requests. Every rule and request should have a good principle behind it that makes sense. When your child asks you why they have to do something, you should have a solid reason as to why. If you don’t, you might want to reconsider why you are so set on having your child obey that rule or request. Don’t just use your authority to say “my house my rules.” That will not make your child want to obey. Children are quite reasonable. If there is a logical explanation behind a rule such as safety, emotional, physical or spiritual well-being, or avoidance of consequences, then your child is likely to obey and follow that rule. For example if a rule in your house is that bedtime is at 7:30 and your young child asks why they must go to bed, you can answer with many reasons including that sleep helps them to feel happy in the morning, it keeps them healthy and that their body will be very sleepy and tired the next day if they don’t go to bed. This is a reasonable rule because it is backed up by a solid principle. Now if your child reaches age 8 or 9 and they don’t feel tired at 7:30, should they have to follow the 7:30 bedtime? The rule doesn’t make sense if at that age their bodies are not ready for bed because they are restless. When reconsidering your requests, you need to take in account your child’s age, developmental stage, special needs, unique personality and temperament. Hardly ever will one rule fit every child. As a parent you must be ready to adjust to each of your children’s unique needs.

5. Focus on your child becoming the person you want and not simply doing the behavior you want.

As a parent consider some of your long time goals. Every parent wants their child to be successful, kind and courteous, honest and trustworthy, forgiving, hardworking and so much more. But all too often parents put the focus too much on good behavior instead of what or who your child is becoming. Almost all of the parenting material you will find out there focuses on quick fixes. But helping your child to truly become kind, honest, hardworking etc is no quick thing. It takes time, patience, hard work and mindful parenting on your part.

So how do you help your child to become who you want to become instead of simply getting them to comply? Limit your use of punishment and rewards. Punishments and rewards are one of the biggest ways parents get their children to do the behavior they want. Punishment is to inflict something unpleasant upon the child (grounding, taking away a toy or phone, spanking, timeouts) so they will stop the behavior and not do it again. Rewards are offering “goodies” (you’ll get ice cream, you can watch your favorite TV show, you will get a gold star on your chart) for good behavior to try to reinforce the behavior in the future. But this method of punishments and rewards focuses only on one thing—the behavior of the child, not what the child is learning. How often when you ground a child or send them to their room do you think they are thoughtfully reflecting on what they did wrong, what they could have done better and how they can make things right? This is hardly ever the case. Normally the child is boiling with anger thinking about how they are going to get back at the sibling who tattled on them or how unfair their parents are. The problem with rewards and punishments is that it makes kids ask, “What do I get out of this if I do it?” (Reward focused) and “what will happen if I don’t do it? (Punishment focused). Remember, you want your children to become not simply to do the behavior because they get something out of it or because they will be punished if they don’t.

6. If I don’t use punishments are rewards, how can I get my child to behave?

If your child hit another child, instead of forcing them to say sorry, (a behavior) 1. have your child to reflect (becoming) by asking, “How do you think that made Timmy feel when you hit him? The next time you’re angry, what could you do instead of hitting?” These types of questions will cause your child to reflect on what they did. It invites them to learn and act differently—to become a person who deals with conflict in appropriate ways and considers how their actions make others feel. All that won’t simply happen all at once after asking a few questions, but it does foster learning and reflection in your child. If you simply made your child say sorry and moved on, your child might not even know what sorry means or why they have to say it. All too often children are learning the outward behaviors you want them without internalizing or understanding the importance.  2. Explain the effects of the child’s actions on other people. “Hannah looked really happy when you gave her that toy. How did it make you feel?” “Timmy looked upset when you hit him. How would you feel if someone hit you?” These question causes your child reflect on how their action affect others. Instead of sending them to time out, this method presents the child with an opportunity to learn how their action effect others and why they should either continue to or stop doing that action. Explaining how their actions affect others helps your child to become aware of how they make others feel. 3. Describe rather than evaluate what your child does. “When you help me clean up, you make things a lot easier for me!” This causes your child to decide for themselves how they feel about cleaning instead of you telling them how to feel about it. If they learn on their own that helping to clean makes them feel good and they see how it makes other’s happy on their own, then there is no need for rewards, bribes or punishments. Describing instead of telling helps your child to decide for themselves how doing that action made them feel. 4. Parents must set an example. Setting an example is a powerful tool for a parent. The best way for children to learn honorable characteristics, how to control their emotions, share, apologize, and so much more is from learning by a parent's example. If you are rude, yell, refuse to give etc, then your children are going to learn to do that as well. Parents need to teach their children correct principlies. As a parent you have a responsibility to teach, explain, and discuss with you children WHY they should do this and shouldn't do that.