Divorce and Blended families

Divorce

How many marriages end up in divorce? Many of us have heard that around half of all marriages end in divorce. These statistics are not accurate because it does not take in account all those who were remarried and then divorced again. 

• The more times you remarry, the less likely it is that the marriage will last.  
• 75 percent of Americans remain happily married.
• After 2 years, 70 percent of people who divorced thought they could have and wished they would have tried to save their marriage. 

I found the last statistic very interesting. What many people have found is that when they get divorced, their problems do not go away from their previous marriage. If they had children together, they have to work with and stay in contact with their ex-spouse. Many also discover that marriage takes a lot of effort and requires that they work through tough times together, no matter whom they marry! Now after being divorced they have to still work through the challenges of marriage with the additional stress of dealing with their ex-spouse and custody of their children.

Remarriage

If you date someone who had kids in a previous marriage, you will discover that you are not only dating a companion but a family as well. There is more than just the husband and wife relationship to consider. There enters many more factors into the relationship when you include kids and an ex-spouse to the equation.

One of the biggest struggles blended families face is parenting. The incoming parent may find it very difficult to become a part of the family system. Here are some bits of advice to help the incoming parent to develop good relationships with their spouse’s children and how to approach discipline.

1.     It takes at least two years to reach a sense of normalcy. Don’t expect coming into the marriage that a blended family will look and feel like a traditional family. There will be unique struggles that a blended family faces that a traditional family never would have to face.

2.     For the first two years the incoming parent and new family member needs to take time to build the relationship with the children. During this time they should not correct and discipline the children. The children will not take correction well from a stranger who they know is not their parent. So for these first two years focus only on getting to know the children and spending time with them.

3.     As a couple there must be lots of talk and discussion about parenting and how to discipline. They must come together to decide what to do together and then the biological parent goes and executes their plan. Once again, it is important that the biological parent executes the discipline and not the incoming parent because for the first two years in particular, the incoming parent needs to focus on building relationships with the children.

Success in Marriage

  1.     Choose a spouse wisely. Give sufficient time to get to know each other while you date. Ask lots of questions to make sure your values, beliefs and opinions are similar or compatible. Make sure you share the same standards.

  2.    Throughout the marriage show a continued expression on love. Never stop doing the little things that show you care for each other. This only takes a 10 minutes or so each day. Leave little notes. Ask them about their day, stresses, feelings and worries. Help them with their daily tasks. Ask how you can be a better spouse and strive to improve. Find ways to make them happy.

  3.    Be selfless. It seems strange, but the more you give of yourself, the more you get back. A selfish marriage will not last. Marriage is about unity and coming together. If you are focusing on yourself.