Divorce and Blended families

Divorce

How many marriages end up in divorce? Many of us have heard that around half of all marriages end in divorce. These statistics are not accurate because it does not take in account all those who were remarried and then divorced again. 

• The more times you remarry, the less likely it is that the marriage will last.  
• 75 percent of Americans remain happily married.
• After 2 years, 70 percent of people who divorced thought they could have and wished they would have tried to save their marriage. 

I found the last statistic very interesting. What many people have found is that when they get divorced, their problems do not go away from their previous marriage. If they had children together, they have to work with and stay in contact with their ex-spouse. Many also discover that marriage takes a lot of effort and requires that they work through tough times together, no matter whom they marry! Now after being divorced they have to still work through the challenges of marriage with the additional stress of dealing with their ex-spouse and custody of their children.

Remarriage

If you date someone who had kids in a previous marriage, you will discover that you are not only dating a companion but a family as well. There is more than just the husband and wife relationship to consider. There enters many more factors into the relationship when you include kids and an ex-spouse to the equation.

One of the biggest struggles blended families face is parenting. The incoming parent may find it very difficult to become a part of the family system. Here are some bits of advice to help the incoming parent to develop good relationships with their spouse’s children and how to approach discipline.

1.     It takes at least two years to reach a sense of normalcy. Don’t expect coming into the marriage that a blended family will look and feel like a traditional family. There will be unique struggles that a blended family faces that a traditional family never would have to face.

2.     For the first two years the incoming parent and new family member needs to take time to build the relationship with the children. During this time they should not correct and discipline the children. The children will not take correction well from a stranger who they know is not their parent. So for these first two years focus only on getting to know the children and spending time with them.

3.     As a couple there must be lots of talk and discussion about parenting and how to discipline. They must come together to decide what to do together and then the biological parent goes and executes their plan. Once again, it is important that the biological parent executes the discipline and not the incoming parent because for the first two years in particular, the incoming parent needs to focus on building relationships with the children.

Success in Marriage

  1.     Choose a spouse wisely. Give sufficient time to get to know each other while you date. Ask lots of questions to make sure your values, beliefs and opinions are similar or compatible. Make sure you share the same standards.

  2.    Throughout the marriage show a continued expression on love. Never stop doing the little things that show you care for each other. This only takes a 10 minutes or so each day. Leave little notes. Ask them about their day, stresses, feelings and worries. Help them with their daily tasks. Ask how you can be a better spouse and strive to improve. Find ways to make them happy.

  3.    Be selfless. It seems strange, but the more you give of yourself, the more you get back. A selfish marriage will not last. Marriage is about unity and coming together. If you are focusing on yourself.

Principles of Parenting

MY STORY

Parenting is a topic that I am very passionate about.  Two winter's ago I was working at a daycare which gave me plenty of opportunity to work with children and to observe how their parents interacted with their children. There were two brothers in particular (I’ll call them Zack, age 6 and Manny, age 5) who were very hard to handle. They didn’t listen to instructions very well, they seemed to intentionally disrupt the planned activities, they got in fights with other kids and none of my fellow daycare workers had any patience with them. Well I decided that I would make an effort to give these two boys extra patience and attention. One day Zack was calling some of the other kids names such as poopy-head or pee-pee face. I asked him to come over and talk to me.

“Zack” I asked, “Why are you calling people those names?” He fidgeted and looked like he was just itching to get away but replied, “It’s funny!” I asked, “But Zack, how would it make you feel if someone called you a poopy-face? Wouldn’t that make you feel bad inside?”  He stopped moving around and looked at me and then looked to the floor. Then after a pause he said, “Sometimes my mom calls me a dumb ass and that makes me feel bad inside.” I am pretty sure my jaw dropped. My heart broke and ached for this poor boy, only 6 years old, who needed more than anything to be loved but instead was treated with great disrespect and rudeness by his mother. I lifted his chin up with my hand until he looked me in the eyes and I told him he was a wonderful boy, that he was not dumb and to never believe anyone who told him that. I gave him a big hug. And that was all I could do.

I’ve thought often of that experience and wondered how those two little boys are doing and what type of people they will grow up to be. When I first heard what Zack’s mother said I was shocked and then angry. How could she say such a thing? But then I realized that she was a single mother with two rowdy boys trying to make a living for herself and her children. I am sure her patience was often very worn and that she might not know any better way to teach her boys. How do most parents learn parenting? They learn from their own parents. She was only doing the best she could according to what she herself had learned from her parents. If she could only learn a few principles of parenting, I am sure that she wouldn’t have struggle so much with having her boys behave.  

6 PRINCIPLES OF PARENTING

1. Put the relationship first. Your child should be treated with respect and kindness. When dealing with your children you should ask the simple question: “If that was done to me or if that comment was said to me, how would that have made me feel?” For some reason children are treated less human than the rest of us. They are yelled at, told frequently to be quiet and their requests are constantly turned down. Think about it. If your friends came over for dinner one night and they thoughtlessly forgot a coat or purse would you yell at them, tell them they are always leaving their stuff lying around and that they need to learn to take better care of their belongings? You would never treat a guest like that. So why don’t we treat our children with the same kind of respect? Why is it that parents yell, criticize and rudely speak with their children in a way they would never speak to a guest? No matter how badly your child is driving you crazy, treat them with respect. You will find that just like anyone else, they are much happier and much more likely to obey a request when asked with kindness. “Don’t let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” –Thomas S. Monson

2. A person is a person no matter how small. Children’s feelings and emotions are just as legitimate as yours or mine. Many times children do not know how to express their emotions in appropriate ways and will throw tantrums. Instead of scolded them for throwing a tantrum or being disagreeable, seek to understand what they are feeling, why they feel that way, and how you can better meet their needs. For example, if you abruptly tell your child it’s time to leave the park and they refuse to go, think to yourself about how it would feel if you were doing something you enjoy and someone told you, “We’re going right now! I don’t care what you’re doing, get in the car, let’s go!” You wouldn’t like that very much. Give your child a 5-minute warning and a 2-minute warning that it is about time to leave and help them to understand why you need to leave. Here’s another example. If your child lost their balloon and they start to cry, don’t angrily say, “stop crying it’s just a balloon!” To your child that balloon could mean the world to them. Imagine if something valuable to you like your wallet or keys just started floating up into the sky and then someone told you to stop fussing because “it’s just a wallet.” Putting yourself in your child’s shoes helps you to see that they are still people with real emotions, fears and joys like you or I. They might not know how to communicate them or express them as adults can, but they are still very real and valid. They should be taken into consideration because a person is a person no matter how small.

3. Your child has needs that must be met. 

1. Your child needs to know that you will love and accept them no matter what happens. Zack and Manny were acting out because their needs of being loved, accepted and feeling like they belonged were not met. So they found other ways to get that attention but in negative ways. Zack and Manny found that since they were not given love willingly and freely that misbehavior, annoying others and acting out were ways to get at least some kind of attention from their mother and the daycare workers. I noticed that on days when I gave them lots of attention by reading them books, coloring with them and talking things through with them when they broke a rule etc, that they calmed down a lot. They just craved for the basic human need of love to be met. If your child acts out a lot you might want to reflect and ask if as a parent you are giving your child the love, attention and sense of belonging that they yearn for so desperately. 

2.Children also have a need for power. As a parent you shouldn’t control every decision and action of your child. If you do this, they will try to fulfill this unmet need of power by rebellion to show you that they can’t be totally controlled or they will try to control others. Instead, encourage and allow your child to take responsibility. And when I say responsibility, this doesn't mean the responsibility to "Do what I say when I ask!" Responsibility is learning to make your own choices and learn consequences. This cannot be accomplished by over controlling your child or demanding compliance to everything you ask. Allow your child some freedom. Allow them to learn to make decisions on their own. Allow them to learn for themselves why or they should or shouldn’t do something. 

3. Children need to be challenged. Children need to learn skill building. They don’t want you to do everything for them—they want to challenge their abilities and capacities. Children particularly in the toddler and teenager years are discovering their autonomy. This is a good thing because as a parent you want your child to grow to be an independent, responsible adult.  If children are not allowed to explore their interests because you think it is unsafe or foolish, then your child will find other ways to meet this need. They will turn to undue risk taking and thrill seeking such as drugs, sexual activities and so on. Children have many more needs and as parents you need to try your best to meet those needs. If you do not meet their needs, then your child is going to find some other way to try to have their needs meet. But they will find that these alternative ways to meeting their needs won't really make them happy because "you can't have enough of what you don't need because what you don't need can never satisfy"--Marvin J. Ashton

4. Reconsider your requests. Every rule and request should have a good principle behind it that makes sense. When your child asks you why they have to do something, you should have a solid reason as to why. If you don’t, you might want to reconsider why you are so set on having your child obey that rule or request. Don’t just use your authority to say “my house my rules.” That will not make your child want to obey. Children are quite reasonable. If there is a logical explanation behind a rule such as safety, emotional, physical or spiritual well-being, or avoidance of consequences, then your child is likely to obey and follow that rule. For example if a rule in your house is that bedtime is at 7:30 and your young child asks why they must go to bed, you can answer with many reasons including that sleep helps them to feel happy in the morning, it keeps them healthy and that their body will be very sleepy and tired the next day if they don’t go to bed. This is a reasonable rule because it is backed up by a solid principle. Now if your child reaches age 8 or 9 and they don’t feel tired at 7:30, should they have to follow the 7:30 bedtime? The rule doesn’t make sense if at that age their bodies are not ready for bed because they are restless. When reconsidering your requests, you need to take in account your child’s age, developmental stage, special needs, unique personality and temperament. Hardly ever will one rule fit every child. As a parent you must be ready to adjust to each of your children’s unique needs.

5. Focus on your child becoming the person you want and not simply doing the behavior you want.

As a parent consider some of your long time goals. Every parent wants their child to be successful, kind and courteous, honest and trustworthy, forgiving, hardworking and so much more. But all too often parents put the focus too much on good behavior instead of what or who your child is becoming. Almost all of the parenting material you will find out there focuses on quick fixes. But helping your child to truly become kind, honest, hardworking etc is no quick thing. It takes time, patience, hard work and mindful parenting on your part.

So how do you help your child to become who you want to become instead of simply getting them to comply? Limit your use of punishment and rewards. Punishments and rewards are one of the biggest ways parents get their children to do the behavior they want. Punishment is to inflict something unpleasant upon the child (grounding, taking away a toy or phone, spanking, timeouts) so they will stop the behavior and not do it again. Rewards are offering “goodies” (you’ll get ice cream, you can watch your favorite TV show, you will get a gold star on your chart) for good behavior to try to reinforce the behavior in the future. But this method of punishments and rewards focuses only on one thing—the behavior of the child, not what the child is learning. How often when you ground a child or send them to their room do you think they are thoughtfully reflecting on what they did wrong, what they could have done better and how they can make things right? This is hardly ever the case. Normally the child is boiling with anger thinking about how they are going to get back at the sibling who tattled on them or how unfair their parents are. The problem with rewards and punishments is that it makes kids ask, “What do I get out of this if I do it?” (Reward focused) and “what will happen if I don’t do it? (Punishment focused). Remember, you want your children to become not simply to do the behavior because they get something out of it or because they will be punished if they don’t.

6. If I don’t use punishments are rewards, how can I get my child to behave?

If your child hit another child, instead of forcing them to say sorry, (a behavior) 1. have your child to reflect (becoming) by asking, “How do you think that made Timmy feel when you hit him? The next time you’re angry, what could you do instead of hitting?” These types of questions will cause your child to reflect on what they did. It invites them to learn and act differently—to become a person who deals with conflict in appropriate ways and considers how their actions make others feel. All that won’t simply happen all at once after asking a few questions, but it does foster learning and reflection in your child. If you simply made your child say sorry and moved on, your child might not even know what sorry means or why they have to say it. All too often children are learning the outward behaviors you want them without internalizing or understanding the importance.  2. Explain the effects of the child’s actions on other people. “Hannah looked really happy when you gave her that toy. How did it make you feel?” “Timmy looked upset when you hit him. How would you feel if someone hit you?” These question causes your child reflect on how their action affect others. Instead of sending them to time out, this method presents the child with an opportunity to learn how their action effect others and why they should either continue to or stop doing that action. Explaining how their actions affect others helps your child to become aware of how they make others feel. 3. Describe rather than evaluate what your child does. “When you help me clean up, you make things a lot easier for me!” This causes your child to decide for themselves how they feel about cleaning instead of you telling them how to feel about it. If they learn on their own that helping to clean makes them feel good and they see how it makes other’s happy on their own, then there is no need for rewards, bribes or punishments. Describing instead of telling helps your child to decide for themselves how doing that action made them feel. 4. Parents must set an example. Setting an example is a powerful tool for a parent. The best way for children to learn honorable characteristics, how to control their emotions, share, apologize, and so much more is from learning by a parent's example. If you are rude, yell, refuse to give etc, then your children are going to learn to do that as well. Parents need to teach their children correct principlies. As a parent you have a responsibility to teach, explain, and discuss with you children WHY they should do this and shouldn't do that.

The Denigration of Traditional Motherhood

In our culture, there is a negative stigma that has developed towards women who decide to be stay at home mothers. Some attacks against homemakers are that they do not live a fulfilling life, that their work is mindless and lacking in any real engaging intellectual activity or that they are trapped and held back. I am going to discuss the falsehood behind each one of these attacks. 

Myth #1 Homemakers do not live a fulfilling life

I myself am not yet a mother but I have met many mothers who feel that their lives are very fulfilling. They experience great joy from their children. They find purpose in teaching, raising and loving their children. They view motherhood as a great responsibility and wonderful gift to be able to create and bring life into the world. They feel that they must constantly improve themselves and learn so that they can better raise their children. I would imagine that motherhood would bring a similar type of fulfillment as being a school teacher or any other occupation that helps better and improve the lives of others. Except I would think that motherhood would bring a much greater fulfillment because they are your own children that you love more than anything in the world. A parent has greater influence over their children then any other person alive. They can use that influence to help their children rise to their potential, excel and to be successful in all aspects of life or their neglect and poor parenting can lead to damaging emotional, academic and social problems. To believe motherhood is unimportant is to also believe that raising the future generation of doctors, professors, scientists, politicians and leaders is also unimportant. Being a mother is no insignificant job. Motherhood can bring some of the greatest joys and fulfillment to a woman who is able to watch as her powerful influence helps her kids to learn, grow and succeed in life.

Myth #2 A Homemaker’s work is mindless and lacking in any real engaging intellectual activity

Some extreme feminists argue that being a mother means you are giving up any chance of growing intellectually. I find this belief to be quite silly. Do they really believe that learning and stimulating activities can ONLY occur outside of the home? Do they really believe that intellectually stimulating activity can ONLY be acquired by having a career? A mother can be at home and still learn and expand her knowledge through reading books, keeping updated on current events, watching certain TV programs, or using internet sources. A mother is not a prisoner to her home. She can find a babysitter, family member or neighbor to watch her kids while she gets outside of the house to attend community classes, book clubs, college courses, or to volunteer. It is nonsense to believe that one can only have a fulfilling life by having a career or that one can only gain knowledge by having a career. There are many fulfilling things in this life that bring accomplishment and joy. Let’s not limit that to only having a career. And let’s not limit ourselves by believing there is only ONE way to gain knowledge, experience, growth and intellectual development. 

Myth #3 Homemakers are trapped or held back

In order to hold this belief that mothers are trapped or held back, one must also believe that motherhood is not fulfilling or that by being a mother one cannot reach her full potential. I personally do not hold either of those beliefs and I have already expounded on how being a mother can bring great fulfillment and purpose. I also have touched on how being a mother does not prevent a woman from being able to learn and to reach her fullest intellectual, emotional or physical potentials. Being a mother takes up time and energy as does any other occupation but this does not some how limit a woman’s ability to learn, grow and become the greatest version of her self. In many ways I would argue that being a mother would actually help a woman to become her greatest self. She must learn patience, love, compassion, empathy, selflessness and service. She must continually challenge her ability to adjust as her children grow and require different parenting techniques. She must be knowledgeable and aware of her child’s developmental growth so that she may be understanding of their physical, emotional and intellectual needs. She must stay updated and involved with the community and current events so that she can defend and stand for what she believes is right and best for herself and her family.

No, being a good mother is no mindless job. It is a job that requires enormous amounts of character, intelligence, and love. Having a career is not the only way a woman can find fulfillment. In many ways being a mother brings great happiness, fulfillment and purpose that a career woman could never know.  

I am so thankful for my mother who gave so much for me to be happy. I am thankful for her patience, her teaching, and her constant love. I am lucky to have had such a wonderful example and mother like her in my life. Thank you mom. 

Communication: Why is the message lost?

Why is that what we try to communicate or what we think we are communicating isn’t actually what is understood by the receiver?

When you have thoughts or feelings you want to communicate, you send the message through either verbal or non-verbal communication (encoding). Then the receiver has to decode that message and respond with his or her own thoughts and feelings that they encode through either a verbal or nonverbal message. Finally you have to decode it and the cycle continues. Here is a diagram to help you make sense of this process:

Thoughts/Feelings of Sender --> Sender encodes message --> Receiver Decodes -->

Thoughts/ feelings of Receiver --> Receiver encodes message --> Sender Decodes --> 

So at what point does communication go wrong? We focus so much on sending messages that we often are carless with decoding messages. Decoding messages sent by others are critical!!! As the receiver of a message, you can never assume you understand the message being sent. You do not know the motives, intentions or heart of the person sending the message. All you see and hear is what's on the surface and yet, with that little bit of information, huge assumptions and terribly wrong conclusions are made about what the sender is trying to say. How can we avoid this miscommunication? The solution is to ask questions, seek to understand and empathize with the communicator and to look at things from their perspective. Before you jump to conclusions, stop yourself and ask, “Is this what you mean?” or “Are you feeling angry?” or “Are you saying that…?” These kinds of questions help you to decipher and further investigate the feelings and intent of the sender. It allows you to get a more full picture of the message they are trying to convey instead of the message you are interpreting (often incorrectly).

It is also important that you try to communicate clearly to others. This can only be done when you are calm and kind as you seek to convey your point of view.  L. Lionel Kendrick said in his talk Christlike Communications, “We must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so. Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and the manner in which we communicate.”

Many marriage therapists have emphasized the importance of communicating effectively by using “I messages” and active listening. Interestingly enough, studies have shown that these techniques have not improved marriage very much. Why is that? If effective communication is occurring, then why is the conflict still there? Think about it, if active listening is practiced but there is still malice in your heart, then you will get nowhere. If you use “I messages” to better communicate your discontent, then what good does that do? L. Lionel Kendrick said later in his talk, “Christlike communications are expressed in tones of love rather than loudness. They are intended to be helpful rather than hurtful. They tend to bind us together rather than to drive us apart. They tend to build rather than to belittle.”

Perhaps it is not the strategies we use that needs to change but the intents of our hearts. There needs to be more love, more kindness, more helpfulness and more understanding. When that is there, then you will have effective communication. Wallace Goddard summed it up this way in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by saying, “We need more than a set of skills for expressing discontent and requesting changes. We need a change of heart.”

In conclusion, communication is critical in any relationship. You need to focus more on not only communicating clearly, but striving to understand the message being sent to you. No matter how effective you communicate about conflict or problems, it is no good unless you have a soft heart that is willing to listen and to change. Be willing to admit you’re wrong. Be willing to make changes.

Ephesians 4: 29, 31-32 “ Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice; And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

Family Stress: How do I manage this?

This week we talked stress in the family. We focused on a few things, first was the possible outcomes of a stressful family situation and second was a model on how the family reacts to a stressful event.

When stressful times hit a family such as a death of a loved one, the main provider losing their job or a family member becoming seriously sick, there are three possible ways that the family can respond. After undergoing sever stress the family can...
1. Remain about the same and function just as well as before.
2. Decrease in its ability to function and operate normal--it is torn apart.
3. Improve and operate at a higher level than it ever has. Their closeness and unity is stronger than it was before.

Obviously, the ideal is that your family is able to function the same level or even better than before instead of being torn apart due to stress. So how is this accomplished? Here is the ABCX model we studied in class that brought insight on how to successfully overcome stressful events:

A- Actual event
B- Both resources and reactions
C- Cognitions
__________________________
Total eXperience

So why is it that some families come out stronger from stressful events but others become weaker? It is all about the B (resources and reactions) and C (cognitive) in the model that determines the total experience or outcome of the event. When disaster strikes, some families are able to gather their resources, even if they have very few, and react by using them effectively. Others can have many resources but react poorly by not using them or using them unwisely. We experience things differently largely due to our cognitions--what and how we are thinking about the situation. When stressors come, some families are broken and torn with sadness, hopelessness or despair while others remain positive and hopeful despite their circumstances.

I want to focus a little more about the power of our thoughts. Often times in life we can feel powerless or helpless to the things that happen to us. We think to ourselves "I am unhappy because of this" or "He makes me so angry!" and so on. In reality no one makes us feel anything. You cannot make me unhappy or angry or any other emotion. Why? Because I am in control of how I feel and how I respond to things. No one else has control over that. Have you ever heard a young child explain to their mother, "He made me hit him!!" And that mother might smile and explain to her child that the boy's behavior might had been rude or mean but it was his choice to be angry and it was his choice to respond by hitting. We can use this same principle with any of lives circumstances. When something terrible, unfair or tragic happens in our lives, we are the ones who get to choose how to respond to that. A perfect example of this is Viktor Frankl. Viktor was a Holocaust survivor who lived through the most horrific treatment in the Jewish concentration camps. Despite his awful circumstances, Viktor learned to keep and positive outlook on life. He said this:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

There is great power to our thoughts, attitudes and how we choose to respond to what happens to us. Those who learn of the great power behind positive thinking and attitudes and can take anything life throws at them and find a way to still be happy and content.

How you respond and how you think makes ALL the difference. It changes everything. The event can be the same for two families and yet the outcome is different. Why? It is all about the resources, reactions and cognition that makes all the difference.


Here is an example of how two families can experience the same stressful event but the outcome is completely different. EXAMPLE: There are two families with 5 children that experience the death of a young child. This tragedy was unexpected and shook up both of the families. Lets see how both families responded to this event.

Family A: After the death of their little girl, this family became very disconnected. Each member wanted to be on their own and to mourn in their own way. They were caught up in their own emotional state and unaware of those around them. They had extended family that offered to come over and help but the parents turned it down saying they were handling everything just fine on their own. This family was really discouraged by the loss of their little girl. They thought to themselves that things could never be the same and that they could never be happy again. This experience really took a toll on their family life. They became distant and struggled to make adjustments.

Family B: After the death of their little girl, this family learned to lean on each other for strength. They openly talked about what had happened and offered support to each individual in the family. They were very sad and were all mourning but instead of turning inward, they turned outward to each other and sought ways to show compassion, love and encouragement to each other. This family was offered help from their church. They graciously accepted words of condolence, meals and help with watching the younger kids. Although this family was devastated about the loss of their little girl, they realized they were so blessed to have each other. They thought to themselves that they would never take another day for granted again. This experience that initially appeared to only be a negative thing actually brought this family closer together than they ever were before. They had greater unity and their relationships were strengthened.

You can see that Family B adjusted and coped much better than Family A because they recognized their resources, used them, and thought positively even though the situation was devastating. So I repeat, how you respond and how you think makes ALL the difference. It changes everything.

Four Types of Affairs

There are four types of affairs: fantasy, visual, romantic and sexual.

It does not take two people for an affair to occur. Many times affairs can occur in the heart and in the mind of a married individual.

      Fantasy Affairs: An emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place. This can occur online or while fantasizing about someone other than his or her spouse. This could cause the person to become detached from their spouse and family.

President Harold B. Lee (1974) taught that “thought is the father of an act. No man ever committed murder who did not first become angry. No one ever committed adultery without a preceding immoral thought. The thief did not steal except he first coveted that which was his neighbor's.” In Proverbs 23:7 it reads,  "For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he”

An emotional affair can also occur when you are showing a lot of interest or attention to someone other than your spouse. This includes confiding in someone other than your spouse. Your heart should belong to your spouse and your spouse only. Your spouse should be the one you turn to with your problems, fears and insecurities, not an outside source, even if that outside source is your parents.

Visual Affair/Pornography: Involves lusting after others or viewing sexual media.  This is the most common type of infidelity and has a very negative impact on the marriage. The unfaithful spouse’s heart becomes vagrant and detached.  In some cases visual affairs will lead to sexual affairs. Pornography will objectify people, overemphasize the visual, overemphasize sex and the expectation of instant gratification. This will lead to many problems in the marriage.

      Romantic Affair:  Is when an individual becomes emotionally attached to someone other than his or her spouse.

      Sexual Affair: Is when sexual acts are engaged in outside of the marriage.

Affairs will destroy your marriage. Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce. President Benson (1988) warned, “Quickly the relationship will sour. Guilt and shame set in. We become fearful that our sins will be discovered. We must sneak and hide, lie and cheat. Love begins to die. Bitterness, jealousy, anger, and even hate begin to grow.”

Couples who are on guard and fiercely loyal to each other can prevent marital infidelity from occuring. 

Dating done right

There are 4 clear stages in a dating relationship.

1.     Dating

2.     Courtship

3.     Engagement

4.     Marriage

I will be discussing what each of these stages are, the dangers of sliding from stages and why a failing marriage can be traced back to the way you dated.

What is dating? Dating: is an opportunity to get acquainted with others and to form friendships. It is wise to date a variety of people in a variety of situations. The purpose of dating is to get to know people better and to see what qualities you like and what you don’t like in the opposite sex.  There is a difference between hanging out and going on a date. The biggest difference is that dates should be planned for, paid for and paired off. It has become a much bigger deal to ask someone out on a date in our generation. But you do not even have to be interested in a long term relationship with someone to ask them on a date or to accept a date. Dating is simply an opportunity to get to know different types of people and to have a fun time!

Courtship: is a time when two people want to date exclusively. There is no reason to date someone seriously and exclusively unless you think marriage is a possibility in the future. During this time you get to see one person in a variety of situations.  You are able to get to know this person in much greater depth. This is a time to see if your personalities mesh well. During this stage of dating it is crucial that you ask lots of questions that would reveal information about a person’s opinions and ideas about marriage, how many kids they want, finances, sexual intimacy, commitment, insecurities and fears, habits or addictions, where they would want to live, what their goals are, what their traditions are, what their expectations are and the list goes on and on.  If you find that your goals, beliefs and values do not match up then the relationship would probably break off then. If you find that your strongest beliefs, ideas, and goals do match up then courtship will lead to engagement when the man proposes.  Men should talk to the women’s father before hand. This will help him to gain the confidence of her parents and show that he is respectful of her parent’s opinion and approval. It also helps over protective fathers to feel better about their daughter’s choice.

Engagement: is a time when you are confident that you have found the person that you want to marry.  The man has proposed and the woman has said yes. Together they have picked out a date for marriage. You continue in this stage, as well as for the rest of your life, to learn how to join together in decision making, planning and learning to work together. During engagement you plan the wedding, figure out where you are going to settle and work out all of the other bits and pieces.  Remember that this is not just a time to plan your wedding, more importantly it is a time to plan out your marriage. Have a plan for your marriage.  Ask each other “How are WE going to do this?”

Marriage: As a couple you should continue to work out differences and come together as one. In marriage it is crucial that you carve out time for just you and your spouse to be together. Date nights once a week is a great way of making time to foster your relationship. Too often in marriage people claim to have “fallen out of love.” Falling out of love doesn’t just happen over night, it happened when both people stop taking the time to foster and work on their relationship. Don’t let this happen! Take the time to ask each other how they are doing and what they are feeling and experiencing. Can you truly call your spouse your best friend? You have to learn to work out differences and come to have fondness and admiration for your spouse despite their flaws, weaknesses and shortcomings. You have to be kind and gentle when bringing up an issue of conflict and always being considerate of the other’s feelings. Together as a couple you need to share and discuss your goals in life and work together to accomplish them. 

Now reading through this might seem pretty logical and straightforward but the matter of the fact is that often times people do not pass through this stages clearly and distinctly. There is often “sliding” from one stage to the next and this can lead to problems. For instance, our generation is experiencing a phenomenon I like to call “instant dating.”  Many times when a boy has interest in a girl he asks her to “go out” with him. They become exclusive (courtship) without first getting to know each other in a variety of situations (dating). This leads to problems because you are entering a relationship with most likely a pretty high level of commitment and physical touch but not a lot of knowledge about that person. This will lead to a break up once they realize that there is much they don’t even know about the person they are dating or that they share nothing in common.  Dating in this way is like practicing for divorce. Think about it, you become heavily committed emotionally, physically and spiritually with a person and then break if off. Then you do it again.  You are learning how to divorce. Dating correctly and then entering courtship allows you to build a solid friendship and knowledge of the person first and then to let trust, commitment and physical touch build off of that foundation of friendship that was formed while dating.  

Another example of sliding from stages is sliding from courtship to engagement. During courtship when you ask questions about marriage, it is important that as a couple you are only discussing “how would you do X in this situation” not “how would we do X in this situation.” When you ask how would we, it starts feeling like you are already engaged and committed to marriage before the man has even proposed. The commitment to each other will be a lot higher so if you find something that collides such as you only wanting 1 child and him or her wanting at least 6, it ends up being harder to break off the relationship.

Culturally, we are not dating in these 4 stages but you can see how important it is that we try to follow these 4 stages of dating. The way you date is actually a predictor of how your marriage will turn out. Building that solid foundation of getting to know someone and being good friends and then dating exclusively (courtship) is fundamental for a happy and healthy relationship.