This week we talked stress in the family. We focused on a few things, first was the possible outcomes of a stressful family situation and second was a model on how the family reacts to a stressful event.
When stressful times hit a family such as a death of a loved one, the main provider losing their job or a family member becoming seriously sick, there are three possible ways that the family can respond. After undergoing sever stress the family can...
1. Remain about the same and function just as well as before.
2. Decrease in its ability to function and operate normal--it is torn apart.
3. Improve and operate at a higher level than it ever has. Their closeness and unity is stronger than it was before.
Obviously, the ideal is that your family is able to function the same level or even better than before instead of being torn apart due to stress. So how is this accomplished? Here is the ABCX model we studied in class that brought insight on how to successfully overcome stressful events:
A- Actual event
B- Both resources and reactions
C- Cognitions
__________________________
Total eXperience
So why is it that some families come out stronger from stressful events but others become weaker? It is all about the B (resources and reactions) and C (cognitive) in the model that determines the total experience or outcome of the event. When disaster strikes, some families are able to gather their resources, even if they have very few, and react by using them effectively. Others can have many resources but react poorly by not using them or using them unwisely. We experience things differently largely due to our cognitions--what and how we are thinking about the situation. When stressors come, some families are broken and torn with sadness, hopelessness or despair while others remain positive and hopeful despite their circumstances.
I want to focus a little more about the power of our thoughts. Often times in life we can feel powerless or helpless to the things that happen to us. We think to ourselves "I am unhappy because of this" or "He makes me so angry!" and so on. In reality no one makes us feel anything. You cannot make me unhappy or angry or any other emotion. Why? Because I am in control of how I feel and how I respond to things. No one else has control over that. Have you ever heard a young child explain to their mother, "He made me hit him!!" And that mother might smile and explain to her child that the boy's behavior might had been rude or mean but it was his choice to be angry and it was his choice to respond by hitting. We can use this same principle with any of lives circumstances. When something terrible, unfair or tragic happens in our lives, we are the ones who get to choose how to respond to that. A perfect example of this is Viktor Frankl. Viktor was a Holocaust survivor who lived through the most horrific treatment in the Jewish concentration camps. Despite his awful circumstances, Viktor learned to keep and positive outlook on life. He said this:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
There is great power to our thoughts, attitudes and how we choose to respond to what happens to us. Those who learn of the great power behind positive thinking and attitudes and can take anything life throws at them and find a way to still be happy and content.
How you respond and how you think makes ALL the difference. It changes everything. The event can be the same for two families and yet the outcome is different. Why? It is all about the resources, reactions and cognition that makes all the difference.
Here is an example of how two families can experience the same stressful event but the outcome is completely different. EXAMPLE: There are two families with 5 children that experience the death of a young child. This tragedy was unexpected and shook up both of the families. Lets see how both families responded to this event.
Family A: After the death of their little girl, this family became very disconnected. Each member wanted to be on their own and to mourn in their own way. They were caught up in their own emotional state and unaware of those around them. They had extended family that offered to come over and help but the parents turned it down saying they were handling everything just fine on their own. This family was really discouraged by the loss of their little girl. They thought to themselves that things could never be the same and that they could never be happy again. This experience really took a toll on their family life. They became distant and struggled to make adjustments.
Family B: After the death of their little girl, this family learned to lean on each other for strength. They openly talked about what had happened and offered support to each individual in the family. They were very sad and were all mourning but instead of turning inward, they turned outward to each other and sought ways to show compassion, love and encouragement to each other. This family was offered help from their church. They graciously accepted words of condolence, meals and help with watching the younger kids. Although this family was devastated about the loss of their little girl, they realized they were so blessed to have each other. They thought to themselves that they would never take another day for granted again. This experience that initially appeared to only be a negative thing actually brought this family closer together than they ever were before. They had greater unity and their relationships were strengthened.
You can see that Family B adjusted and coped much better than Family A because they recognized their resources, used them, and thought positively even though the situation was devastating. So I repeat, how you respond and how you think makes ALL the difference. It changes everything.
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