Communication: Why is the message lost?

Why is that what we try to communicate or what we think we are communicating isn’t actually what is understood by the receiver?

When you have thoughts or feelings you want to communicate, you send the message through either verbal or non-verbal communication (encoding). Then the receiver has to decode that message and respond with his or her own thoughts and feelings that they encode through either a verbal or nonverbal message. Finally you have to decode it and the cycle continues. Here is a diagram to help you make sense of this process:

Thoughts/Feelings of Sender --> Sender encodes message --> Receiver Decodes -->

Thoughts/ feelings of Receiver --> Receiver encodes message --> Sender Decodes --> 

So at what point does communication go wrong? We focus so much on sending messages that we often are carless with decoding messages. Decoding messages sent by others are critical!!! As the receiver of a message, you can never assume you understand the message being sent. You do not know the motives, intentions or heart of the person sending the message. All you see and hear is what's on the surface and yet, with that little bit of information, huge assumptions and terribly wrong conclusions are made about what the sender is trying to say. How can we avoid this miscommunication? The solution is to ask questions, seek to understand and empathize with the communicator and to look at things from their perspective. Before you jump to conclusions, stop yourself and ask, “Is this what you mean?” or “Are you feeling angry?” or “Are you saying that…?” These kinds of questions help you to decipher and further investigate the feelings and intent of the sender. It allows you to get a more full picture of the message they are trying to convey instead of the message you are interpreting (often incorrectly).

It is also important that you try to communicate clearly to others. This can only be done when you are calm and kind as you seek to convey your point of view.  L. Lionel Kendrick said in his talk Christlike Communications, “We must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so. Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and the manner in which we communicate.”

Many marriage therapists have emphasized the importance of communicating effectively by using “I messages” and active listening. Interestingly enough, studies have shown that these techniques have not improved marriage very much. Why is that? If effective communication is occurring, then why is the conflict still there? Think about it, if active listening is practiced but there is still malice in your heart, then you will get nowhere. If you use “I messages” to better communicate your discontent, then what good does that do? L. Lionel Kendrick said later in his talk, “Christlike communications are expressed in tones of love rather than loudness. They are intended to be helpful rather than hurtful. They tend to bind us together rather than to drive us apart. They tend to build rather than to belittle.”

Perhaps it is not the strategies we use that needs to change but the intents of our hearts. There needs to be more love, more kindness, more helpfulness and more understanding. When that is there, then you will have effective communication. Wallace Goddard summed it up this way in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by saying, “We need more than a set of skills for expressing discontent and requesting changes. We need a change of heart.”

In conclusion, communication is critical in any relationship. You need to focus more on not only communicating clearly, but striving to understand the message being sent to you. No matter how effective you communicate about conflict or problems, it is no good unless you have a soft heart that is willing to listen and to change. Be willing to admit you’re wrong. Be willing to make changes.

Ephesians 4: 29, 31-32 “ Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice; And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”