The Denigration of Traditional Motherhood

In our culture, there is a negative stigma that has developed towards women who decide to be stay at home mothers. Some attacks against homemakers are that they do not live a fulfilling life, that their work is mindless and lacking in any real engaging intellectual activity or that they are trapped and held back. I am going to discuss the falsehood behind each one of these attacks. 

Myth #1 Homemakers do not live a fulfilling life

I myself am not yet a mother but I have met many mothers who feel that their lives are very fulfilling. They experience great joy from their children. They find purpose in teaching, raising and loving their children. They view motherhood as a great responsibility and wonderful gift to be able to create and bring life into the world. They feel that they must constantly improve themselves and learn so that they can better raise their children. I would imagine that motherhood would bring a similar type of fulfillment as being a school teacher or any other occupation that helps better and improve the lives of others. Except I would think that motherhood would bring a much greater fulfillment because they are your own children that you love more than anything in the world. A parent has greater influence over their children then any other person alive. They can use that influence to help their children rise to their potential, excel and to be successful in all aspects of life or their neglect and poor parenting can lead to damaging emotional, academic and social problems. To believe motherhood is unimportant is to also believe that raising the future generation of doctors, professors, scientists, politicians and leaders is also unimportant. Being a mother is no insignificant job. Motherhood can bring some of the greatest joys and fulfillment to a woman who is able to watch as her powerful influence helps her kids to learn, grow and succeed in life.

Myth #2 A Homemaker’s work is mindless and lacking in any real engaging intellectual activity

Some extreme feminists argue that being a mother means you are giving up any chance of growing intellectually. I find this belief to be quite silly. Do they really believe that learning and stimulating activities can ONLY occur outside of the home? Do they really believe that intellectually stimulating activity can ONLY be acquired by having a career? A mother can be at home and still learn and expand her knowledge through reading books, keeping updated on current events, watching certain TV programs, or using internet sources. A mother is not a prisoner to her home. She can find a babysitter, family member or neighbor to watch her kids while she gets outside of the house to attend community classes, book clubs, college courses, or to volunteer. It is nonsense to believe that one can only have a fulfilling life by having a career or that one can only gain knowledge by having a career. There are many fulfilling things in this life that bring accomplishment and joy. Let’s not limit that to only having a career. And let’s not limit ourselves by believing there is only ONE way to gain knowledge, experience, growth and intellectual development. 

Myth #3 Homemakers are trapped or held back

In order to hold this belief that mothers are trapped or held back, one must also believe that motherhood is not fulfilling or that by being a mother one cannot reach her full potential. I personally do not hold either of those beliefs and I have already expounded on how being a mother can bring great fulfillment and purpose. I also have touched on how being a mother does not prevent a woman from being able to learn and to reach her fullest intellectual, emotional or physical potentials. Being a mother takes up time and energy as does any other occupation but this does not some how limit a woman’s ability to learn, grow and become the greatest version of her self. In many ways I would argue that being a mother would actually help a woman to become her greatest self. She must learn patience, love, compassion, empathy, selflessness and service. She must continually challenge her ability to adjust as her children grow and require different parenting techniques. She must be knowledgeable and aware of her child’s developmental growth so that she may be understanding of their physical, emotional and intellectual needs. She must stay updated and involved with the community and current events so that she can defend and stand for what she believes is right and best for herself and her family.

No, being a good mother is no mindless job. It is a job that requires enormous amounts of character, intelligence, and love. Having a career is not the only way a woman can find fulfillment. In many ways being a mother brings great happiness, fulfillment and purpose that a career woman could never know.  

I am so thankful for my mother who gave so much for me to be happy. I am thankful for her patience, her teaching, and her constant love. I am lucky to have had such a wonderful example and mother like her in my life. Thank you mom. 

Communication: Why is the message lost?

Why is that what we try to communicate or what we think we are communicating isn’t actually what is understood by the receiver?

When you have thoughts or feelings you want to communicate, you send the message through either verbal or non-verbal communication (encoding). Then the receiver has to decode that message and respond with his or her own thoughts and feelings that they encode through either a verbal or nonverbal message. Finally you have to decode it and the cycle continues. Here is a diagram to help you make sense of this process:

Thoughts/Feelings of Sender --> Sender encodes message --> Receiver Decodes -->

Thoughts/ feelings of Receiver --> Receiver encodes message --> Sender Decodes --> 

So at what point does communication go wrong? We focus so much on sending messages that we often are carless with decoding messages. Decoding messages sent by others are critical!!! As the receiver of a message, you can never assume you understand the message being sent. You do not know the motives, intentions or heart of the person sending the message. All you see and hear is what's on the surface and yet, with that little bit of information, huge assumptions and terribly wrong conclusions are made about what the sender is trying to say. How can we avoid this miscommunication? The solution is to ask questions, seek to understand and empathize with the communicator and to look at things from their perspective. Before you jump to conclusions, stop yourself and ask, “Is this what you mean?” or “Are you feeling angry?” or “Are you saying that…?” These kinds of questions help you to decipher and further investigate the feelings and intent of the sender. It allows you to get a more full picture of the message they are trying to convey instead of the message you are interpreting (often incorrectly).

It is also important that you try to communicate clearly to others. This can only be done when you are calm and kind as you seek to convey your point of view.  L. Lionel Kendrick said in his talk Christlike Communications, “We must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so. Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and the manner in which we communicate.”

Many marriage therapists have emphasized the importance of communicating effectively by using “I messages” and active listening. Interestingly enough, studies have shown that these techniques have not improved marriage very much. Why is that? If effective communication is occurring, then why is the conflict still there? Think about it, if active listening is practiced but there is still malice in your heart, then you will get nowhere. If you use “I messages” to better communicate your discontent, then what good does that do? L. Lionel Kendrick said later in his talk, “Christlike communications are expressed in tones of love rather than loudness. They are intended to be helpful rather than hurtful. They tend to bind us together rather than to drive us apart. They tend to build rather than to belittle.”

Perhaps it is not the strategies we use that needs to change but the intents of our hearts. There needs to be more love, more kindness, more helpfulness and more understanding. When that is there, then you will have effective communication. Wallace Goddard summed it up this way in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by saying, “We need more than a set of skills for expressing discontent and requesting changes. We need a change of heart.”

In conclusion, communication is critical in any relationship. You need to focus more on not only communicating clearly, but striving to understand the message being sent to you. No matter how effective you communicate about conflict or problems, it is no good unless you have a soft heart that is willing to listen and to change. Be willing to admit you’re wrong. Be willing to make changes.

Ephesians 4: 29, 31-32 “ Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice; And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

Family Stress: How do I manage this?

This week we talked stress in the family. We focused on a few things, first was the possible outcomes of a stressful family situation and second was a model on how the family reacts to a stressful event.

When stressful times hit a family such as a death of a loved one, the main provider losing their job or a family member becoming seriously sick, there are three possible ways that the family can respond. After undergoing sever stress the family can...
1. Remain about the same and function just as well as before.
2. Decrease in its ability to function and operate normal--it is torn apart.
3. Improve and operate at a higher level than it ever has. Their closeness and unity is stronger than it was before.

Obviously, the ideal is that your family is able to function the same level or even better than before instead of being torn apart due to stress. So how is this accomplished? Here is the ABCX model we studied in class that brought insight on how to successfully overcome stressful events:

A- Actual event
B- Both resources and reactions
C- Cognitions
__________________________
Total eXperience

So why is it that some families come out stronger from stressful events but others become weaker? It is all about the B (resources and reactions) and C (cognitive) in the model that determines the total experience or outcome of the event. When disaster strikes, some families are able to gather their resources, even if they have very few, and react by using them effectively. Others can have many resources but react poorly by not using them or using them unwisely. We experience things differently largely due to our cognitions--what and how we are thinking about the situation. When stressors come, some families are broken and torn with sadness, hopelessness or despair while others remain positive and hopeful despite their circumstances.

I want to focus a little more about the power of our thoughts. Often times in life we can feel powerless or helpless to the things that happen to us. We think to ourselves "I am unhappy because of this" or "He makes me so angry!" and so on. In reality no one makes us feel anything. You cannot make me unhappy or angry or any other emotion. Why? Because I am in control of how I feel and how I respond to things. No one else has control over that. Have you ever heard a young child explain to their mother, "He made me hit him!!" And that mother might smile and explain to her child that the boy's behavior might had been rude or mean but it was his choice to be angry and it was his choice to respond by hitting. We can use this same principle with any of lives circumstances. When something terrible, unfair or tragic happens in our lives, we are the ones who get to choose how to respond to that. A perfect example of this is Viktor Frankl. Viktor was a Holocaust survivor who lived through the most horrific treatment in the Jewish concentration camps. Despite his awful circumstances, Viktor learned to keep and positive outlook on life. He said this:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

There is great power to our thoughts, attitudes and how we choose to respond to what happens to us. Those who learn of the great power behind positive thinking and attitudes and can take anything life throws at them and find a way to still be happy and content.

How you respond and how you think makes ALL the difference. It changes everything. The event can be the same for two families and yet the outcome is different. Why? It is all about the resources, reactions and cognition that makes all the difference.


Here is an example of how two families can experience the same stressful event but the outcome is completely different. EXAMPLE: There are two families with 5 children that experience the death of a young child. This tragedy was unexpected and shook up both of the families. Lets see how both families responded to this event.

Family A: After the death of their little girl, this family became very disconnected. Each member wanted to be on their own and to mourn in their own way. They were caught up in their own emotional state and unaware of those around them. They had extended family that offered to come over and help but the parents turned it down saying they were handling everything just fine on their own. This family was really discouraged by the loss of their little girl. They thought to themselves that things could never be the same and that they could never be happy again. This experience really took a toll on their family life. They became distant and struggled to make adjustments.

Family B: After the death of their little girl, this family learned to lean on each other for strength. They openly talked about what had happened and offered support to each individual in the family. They were very sad and were all mourning but instead of turning inward, they turned outward to each other and sought ways to show compassion, love and encouragement to each other. This family was offered help from their church. They graciously accepted words of condolence, meals and help with watching the younger kids. Although this family was devastated about the loss of their little girl, they realized they were so blessed to have each other. They thought to themselves that they would never take another day for granted again. This experience that initially appeared to only be a negative thing actually brought this family closer together than they ever were before. They had greater unity and their relationships were strengthened.

You can see that Family B adjusted and coped much better than Family A because they recognized their resources, used them, and thought positively even though the situation was devastating. So I repeat, how you respond and how you think makes ALL the difference. It changes everything.

Four Types of Affairs

There are four types of affairs: fantasy, visual, romantic and sexual.

It does not take two people for an affair to occur. Many times affairs can occur in the heart and in the mind of a married individual.

      Fantasy Affairs: An emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place. This can occur online or while fantasizing about someone other than his or her spouse. This could cause the person to become detached from their spouse and family.

President Harold B. Lee (1974) taught that “thought is the father of an act. No man ever committed murder who did not first become angry. No one ever committed adultery without a preceding immoral thought. The thief did not steal except he first coveted that which was his neighbor's.” In Proverbs 23:7 it reads,  "For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he”

An emotional affair can also occur when you are showing a lot of interest or attention to someone other than your spouse. This includes confiding in someone other than your spouse. Your heart should belong to your spouse and your spouse only. Your spouse should be the one you turn to with your problems, fears and insecurities, not an outside source, even if that outside source is your parents.

Visual Affair/Pornography: Involves lusting after others or viewing sexual media.  This is the most common type of infidelity and has a very negative impact on the marriage. The unfaithful spouse’s heart becomes vagrant and detached.  In some cases visual affairs will lead to sexual affairs. Pornography will objectify people, overemphasize the visual, overemphasize sex and the expectation of instant gratification. This will lead to many problems in the marriage.

      Romantic Affair:  Is when an individual becomes emotionally attached to someone other than his or her spouse.

      Sexual Affair: Is when sexual acts are engaged in outside of the marriage.

Affairs will destroy your marriage. Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce. President Benson (1988) warned, “Quickly the relationship will sour. Guilt and shame set in. We become fearful that our sins will be discovered. We must sneak and hide, lie and cheat. Love begins to die. Bitterness, jealousy, anger, and even hate begin to grow.”

Couples who are on guard and fiercely loyal to each other can prevent marital infidelity from occuring.