Dating done right

There are 4 clear stages in a dating relationship.

1.     Dating

2.     Courtship

3.     Engagement

4.     Marriage

I will be discussing what each of these stages are, the dangers of sliding from stages and why a failing marriage can be traced back to the way you dated.

What is dating? Dating: is an opportunity to get acquainted with others and to form friendships. It is wise to date a variety of people in a variety of situations. The purpose of dating is to get to know people better and to see what qualities you like and what you don’t like in the opposite sex.  There is a difference between hanging out and going on a date. The biggest difference is that dates should be planned for, paid for and paired off. It has become a much bigger deal to ask someone out on a date in our generation. But you do not even have to be interested in a long term relationship with someone to ask them on a date or to accept a date. Dating is simply an opportunity to get to know different types of people and to have a fun time!

Courtship: is a time when two people want to date exclusively. There is no reason to date someone seriously and exclusively unless you think marriage is a possibility in the future. During this time you get to see one person in a variety of situations.  You are able to get to know this person in much greater depth. This is a time to see if your personalities mesh well. During this stage of dating it is crucial that you ask lots of questions that would reveal information about a person’s opinions and ideas about marriage, how many kids they want, finances, sexual intimacy, commitment, insecurities and fears, habits or addictions, where they would want to live, what their goals are, what their traditions are, what their expectations are and the list goes on and on.  If you find that your goals, beliefs and values do not match up then the relationship would probably break off then. If you find that your strongest beliefs, ideas, and goals do match up then courtship will lead to engagement when the man proposes.  Men should talk to the women’s father before hand. This will help him to gain the confidence of her parents and show that he is respectful of her parent’s opinion and approval. It also helps over protective fathers to feel better about their daughter’s choice.

Engagement: is a time when you are confident that you have found the person that you want to marry.  The man has proposed and the woman has said yes. Together they have picked out a date for marriage. You continue in this stage, as well as for the rest of your life, to learn how to join together in decision making, planning and learning to work together. During engagement you plan the wedding, figure out where you are going to settle and work out all of the other bits and pieces.  Remember that this is not just a time to plan your wedding, more importantly it is a time to plan out your marriage. Have a plan for your marriage.  Ask each other “How are WE going to do this?”

Marriage: As a couple you should continue to work out differences and come together as one. In marriage it is crucial that you carve out time for just you and your spouse to be together. Date nights once a week is a great way of making time to foster your relationship. Too often in marriage people claim to have “fallen out of love.” Falling out of love doesn’t just happen over night, it happened when both people stop taking the time to foster and work on their relationship. Don’t let this happen! Take the time to ask each other how they are doing and what they are feeling and experiencing. Can you truly call your spouse your best friend? You have to learn to work out differences and come to have fondness and admiration for your spouse despite their flaws, weaknesses and shortcomings. You have to be kind and gentle when bringing up an issue of conflict and always being considerate of the other’s feelings. Together as a couple you need to share and discuss your goals in life and work together to accomplish them. 

Now reading through this might seem pretty logical and straightforward but the matter of the fact is that often times people do not pass through this stages clearly and distinctly. There is often “sliding” from one stage to the next and this can lead to problems. For instance, our generation is experiencing a phenomenon I like to call “instant dating.”  Many times when a boy has interest in a girl he asks her to “go out” with him. They become exclusive (courtship) without first getting to know each other in a variety of situations (dating). This leads to problems because you are entering a relationship with most likely a pretty high level of commitment and physical touch but not a lot of knowledge about that person. This will lead to a break up once they realize that there is much they don’t even know about the person they are dating or that they share nothing in common.  Dating in this way is like practicing for divorce. Think about it, you become heavily committed emotionally, physically and spiritually with a person and then break if off. Then you do it again.  You are learning how to divorce. Dating correctly and then entering courtship allows you to build a solid friendship and knowledge of the person first and then to let trust, commitment and physical touch build off of that foundation of friendship that was formed while dating.  

Another example of sliding from stages is sliding from courtship to engagement. During courtship when you ask questions about marriage, it is important that as a couple you are only discussing “how would you do X in this situation” not “how would we do X in this situation.” When you ask how would we, it starts feeling like you are already engaged and committed to marriage before the man has even proposed. The commitment to each other will be a lot higher so if you find something that collides such as you only wanting 1 child and him or her wanting at least 6, it ends up being harder to break off the relationship.

Culturally, we are not dating in these 4 stages but you can see how important it is that we try to follow these 4 stages of dating. The way you date is actually a predictor of how your marriage will turn out. Building that solid foundation of getting to know someone and being good friends and then dating exclusively (courtship) is fundamental for a happy and healthy relationship.